I'm going to Europe wearing nothing but cowboy boots and red, white and blue underwear.
I will speak to the foreigners in a voice that is both LOUD and sloooooowwwwww, and if they still don't understand I'll shout, "What's the matter? Don't you speak AMERICAN?!?" I will complain endlessly about small portion sizes. I will mock their odd-looking money.
I'll be an atrocious tourist, and I'll pull it off unfazed thanks to Donald Trump, president of my beloved country, the United States of Inanity.
Trump is every international stereotype of a rude, classless, overweight, bozo American distilled to its essence, poured into an orange meat sack, topped with a bad comb-over and given a Twitter account and the (formerly) most important leadership position in the world.
He demonstrated this (again) Sunday, sending a tweet about the horrific London terror attack Saturday night that killed seven people and wounded dozens more: "At least 7 dead and 48 wounded in terror attack and Mayor of London says there is 'no reason to be alarmed!'"
That's exactly what you'd expect from the president of the United States of Inanity. Tragedy hits one of our closest allies and he mocks the mayor of the city that was attacked, taking the mayor's words wholly out of context. (London Mayor Sadiq Khan had warned residents to not be alarmed by an increased police presence in the days to come.)
On Monday morning, Trump went at Khan again, tweeting: "Pathetic excuse by London Mayor Sadiq Khan who had to think fast on his 'no reason to be alarmed' statement. MSM is working hard to sell it!"
My oafish American act could never match Trump's, so we all have carte blanche to act the fool on foreign soil without a hint of self-awareness or regret. Time to bust out the fanny packs and the crude mispronunciations of "The Louvre."
"Hey cabbie, how much to take me to the Loover?"
"Pardon me, gar-con, do you speak American? I need directions to that Low-vree art place."
Such lines would be infinitely classier than the tweet Trump sent out first, before telling the people of England that America stands with them: "We need to be smart, vigilant and tough. We need the courts to give us back our rights. We need the Travel Ban as an extra level of safety!"
Sorry about your little terror attack there, Britland, but I've got an unpopular, likely unconstitutional and transparently bigoted "Travel Ban" to enact! YEE-HAH! And by the way, it's not a travel ban, even though I keep saying it is and the courts keep using my words against me.
I could flip off Buckingham Palace, knock fuzzy hats off five members of the Queen's Guard and run naked through Trafalgar Square with "Soccer Sux" painted on my butt cheeks and still not be as offensive as the president trying to leverage this terrorist attack to stoke fear and promote his own agenda.
And that's exciting because, if we're being honest, I've always wanted to do all three of those things.
In the pre-Trump era, before the country was rebranded the United States of Inanity, there's a good chance some Londoners would have watched my antics and said, "Look at that stupid American."
But now we have Trump, in his series of post-attack tweets, writing: "Do you notice we are not having a gun debate right now? That's because they used knives and a truck!"
A couple of things on that:
1) That's not an appropriate thing for a president to say in the wake of another nation's tragedy. Ever.
2) The exclamation point at the end makes it even worse. You sound excited.
3) You're right. The terrorists didn't use guns. And the fact that England has some of the toughest gun laws in the world likely played a role in keeping the death toll lower than it would've been if the terrorists had easy access to high-powered weapons. Which they would have if they lived in America, the country that you are supposedly leading.
The inclination to call me a stupid American because I painted my butt cheeks and ran naked through Trafalgar Square would be mitigated somewhat by the inherent idiocy of the president's tweet. Londoners would be more apt to say, "Well, he spelled 'soccer' correctly. Must be one of the more intelligent Americans."
That's the beauty of hailing from the United States of Inanity.
Upon announcing that America will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement, Trump said: "I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris."
As if the Paris agreement involved only Parisians and not virtually every other country on the planet and — most importantly — the planet itself. And as if he won over the citizens of Pittsburgh, who in fact voted overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. And as if that's what you'd expect from a president and not from the drunk guy at the end of the bar, hollering at the TV about "them damn furreners."
I could punch a mime and pee off the edge of the Eiffel Tower while shouting "America First!" and I would still, without question, be viewed as a higher caliber American than the president.
European vacations are now going to be a blast. We can get away with anything and still seem classy by comparison.
Thanks, President Trump! The people of the United State of Inanity salute you.